Boyfriend Sold His House Without Input From Me!

By Lulu on 11-21-2014 in Kitty Real Estate Advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

I’m bewildered, how could he do this?

I’ve been with my bf for four years. The first two years were long distance, until I finished school and moved to his area. I’ve lived with him for the past two. During that time, he refused to accept any money from me for anything with regards to the house. Not even little things. Now, he’s sold it!

He decided out of the blue to return to school, and took an apartment over there, 2.5 hours away! Then he only returned to the house on weekends, while I stayed. This put him under a financial strain but he still wouldn’t take money from me for the mortgage (he said I should use my money to pay back my student loans)  Then he found some cash-out investors to buy the house! He signed without consulting me, and was even going to agree to a three-week close until I was able to convince him to do five weeks. 

How could he do this, when I’ve wanted to get married? He has said he doesn’t want to get married as he’s worried about money. But I’d reassured him that I’m low maintenance and won’t expect an expensive wedding and ring. 

Now, I have to find another place! He already has his apartment, so he’s leaving it up to me where I go. I’m not being invited to live with him, and I couldn’t anyway, as it’s too far away from my job. 

What’s wrong with him? He won’t be able to move everything in only five weeks; he has a lot of stuff! It’s a mess. Now I’m stuck in his mess while having to find another place. I hate his house, always have, and am glad he sold it — but not this way, not without me, now I have nowhere to go!

He said if I find an apartment near my work, he’ll pay half my rent and stay on weekends. He says the money from his house is for a down payment on another house. But I should be included in choosing that!

I think he’s having a mid-life crisis, going back to school on impulse and selling the house without thinking. Now, he’s at risk of losing me. To punish him, I’m not going to live with him again until he marries me. He’s an inconsiderate jerk and may have lost his mind. I’m tired of his communication issues. He’s so in his head and I can’t get him to tell me why he does the things he does. How could he risk throwing away four years?

Fluffzilla says:

Whoa there, self-centered greedy gold-digging shrew! I wouldn’t want to live with you either!

So now you know how it feels for cats who are abandoned by their people who move away, leaving us to fend for ourselves. It happens all the time, and we don’t have the option of renting out our vaginas like you. Personally, I was left in a parking lot as a kitten and left for dead. So pardon me if I don’t cry for you, Argentina.

Your dilemma is simple: you are a prostitute whose services are no longer requested. Calling him a boyfriend, and yourself a live-in girlfriend, is overstating the relationship. If that’s too harsh, how about a guest who has overstayed herself. But this never was a relationship in the way that you mean it. The human hoity toity psychobabble term for you is hostile dependent (ungrateful parasite). After being provided for, at no cost to you for years, you’re turning on the sucker who opened his home to you.

You don’t say your age but refer to a mid-life crisis for him, and recent completion of school for you. So I’m going to assume you’re in your early 20s and he’s in his late 30s to 50s. Sounds like you got yourself a temporary sugar daddy and he got a fresh young thing that is no longer fresh. Have you considered the possibility that he has another like you, lined up at his new apartment? You’ve never been there, right? That’s quite deliberate. He has the pick of the litter at a college; little tramps are snapping like barracudas at any man with change in his pockets.

You say he was impulsive in his return to school and sale of the house, but I think he’s the opposite. These moves were calculated and deliberate. He’s jumping ship — even going so far as to sell his own home — to get you out of his life. If he’s a lot older than you, he may have owned it for many, many years, and it might be precious to him. Yet, it was more important to get you out. I gather that you’re an annoying, condescending shrew who complains about his stuff and nags him to marry! For him to go 2.5 hours away is pretty drastic; you’ve probably been a thorn in his side for a while.

It’s likely, given statistical probabilities, that he’s been divorced already and therefore knows better than a much younger person how to protect himself from predatory cuntcakes. By not letting you pay for anything, no matter how minor, he is making it crystal clear that this is not a partnership. Partners in a relationship are a team; you’re the opposition. Given your current attitude, he definitely did the right thing not attaching to you.

Not only did he sell his house, he went with cash-out investors instead of listing with a traditional realtor and having it shown.  He doesn’t want to give you time to make trouble. Troublemakers are the last thing anyone needs when trying to sell a home. I bet you’d bend the agent’s ear; trying to convince him/her that the seller is mentally unfit and has to consult with you before accepting an offer and won’t be able to declutter in time for closing blah blah blah… The guy was very smart and resourceful to leave you out of that. Anyone can see you’re a disrespectful ass.

As for his alleged communication issues, I guarantee he HAS communicated what he needs you to know but you weren’t paying attention. All your pathetic why?ning shows that you have no boundaries (if he wanted you to know something, he’d tell you) and has driven him to withdraw because you don’t listen, won’t learn, and only care about you. Nowhere in your post do you even say you love him or are concerned about him. He doesn’t owe you any explanations for his life choices. If he’s middle-aged, four years to him is a much smaller percentage of his life than yours. You’re disposable.

When he said he’s worried about money with regard to marriage, your stupid reassurances mean nothing. Listen to what he is saying. Marriage laws divide up half in community property states. I don’t know where you live, but even in fault-divorce states, the laws favor the wife. Do you really expect a person to give some kid half of everything they’ve spent their whole life building, or years in court and tens of thousands in legal fees battling with you when they could just avoid the institution of marriage? As it is, he’s not even married to you, and is giving up his home — which he may love — just to kick  you to the curb. If he weren’t selling it, and simply asked you to leave, would you?

Offering to pay half the rent on your next dwelling (if he means it) is more than generous, considering you’ll only be potentially putting out on Saturdays and Sundays. He could use that money for a professional hooker instead. Still beats paying vagimony, so he’s getting out with at least some life intact. Notice you’re not being invited to put out in HIS apartment. Nor does he want another live-in situation. No, you should not be included in the selection of his next house, stalker!

Instead of complaining, how about some gratitude for being floated free rent for two years? Since you’re working and have student loans, pay them. Start your new life with new wisdom that free rides are not indefinite, you are easily replaceable, and are very lucky to have found out so nicely. Imagine if you had kids with him, and then had to find a place on your income? I bet you don’t have credit either. Build some! It’s foolish to assume you can always find another free home. Most strays that end up at the shelter do not make it out alive, no matter what they say. If you knew how many executions they were doing twice a week, you might not be as willing to donate so they call themselves no-kill. Don’t fall for it!

You’re kidding yourself if you think refusing to live with him again is any kind of punishment. It’s exactly what he wants. If you really want to marry someone you feel is inconsiderate, off his rocker, uncommunicative, and doesn’t want to marry you!, just to get your hooks in, thank goodness he swam away. If you were his age I’d say you’re a Cluster B (I’ll let you figure out what the B stands for) but considering your youth, let’s chalk it up to youthful post-grad entitlement that is abhorrent to everyone else.

Since you’re asking me, I think the guy would be much better off with a cat or several than a hostile dependent.




My boyfriend complains that he “just wants his mother’s home cooking” when I cook at home all of the time. I’m upset and feel disrespected?

By Lulu on 10-02-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla, 

What should I do? I want him to eat what I cook and like it, not for him to compare it with his mother’s!

Fluffzilla says:

Isn’t that just like a stupid human…you’re fortunate enough to have a sentimental boyfriend who cares enough about you to express his preferences out loud, and you bemoan him his own feelings??! Here’s my feeling: you’re STUPID! Do you realize how many girlfriends and wives would love for their partners to say how they feel, instead of leaving them to guess and try to figure them out?

My human mom loves her mom’s lasagna and prefers it above anyone else’s, and has no shame about saying it out loud. If it hurts someone’s feelings, too bad. Intelligent people understand that some people favor their mom’s whatever over anyone else’s.

So you’re annoyed that his mom’s a better cook than you. That’s your problem, not his. I’m a cat, and as such, if I don’t like the food that’s offered, I’ll walk away. My humans don’t complain; they just serve me what I like. There’s nothing on Earth that would make me eat something I didn’t like, let alone some human’s petty whining. Just think of your boyfriend as a cat, and he’ll find something he’d rather eat while you lick your little wounds.

I don’t know how deep into this relationship you are, but by the sound of it I’d say you’re probably not compatible. Food can be a highly emotionally charged aspect of living together, and if it’s vital to you that your mate prefer your cooking, and he doesn’t, maybe it’s best to split up now. Once you decide if he, as a person, really means something to you or it’s just the challenge to get your substandard vittles down his throat that keeps you there, you’ll figure out what to do.

An ex of my human dad used to go around saying how much it upset her to not be able to cook for him. Thank goodness they broke up. He deserved better than to have to listen to that for the rest of her life, and he got it: he and my mom eat whatever they want, when they want.

Should I become the sole breadwinner so my wife can be a stay at home mom?

By Lulu on 9-14-2014 in Job Advice, Kitty people advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

My wife and I are in our early 30′s and we’ve just had a son (8 weeks old today). She’s a teacher—head of her department—and I’m a web developer—early in my career. She’s making $50k/year and I’m making $75k/year. We’ve both got debt, but I’m working to dig out. I’ve got $48k to go (50% student loans, 25% car loan, 25% consolidated credit card debt), and expect to be down to $20k of mostly student loan debt within 4 years. She’s got about $70k to go (55% student loans, 30% credit card debt, 15% car loan), and I expect she’ll have her car paid off in a couple more years. However, I don’t think she’s making any progress on her credit card debt. She’s got a retirement fund (union), and I’m going to start saving like crazy once I pay off high interest debt. 

We agreed before our son was born that she would go back to work after her maternity leave ended (last week). We enrolled our son in a terrific daycare for about $1.3k per month starting in January. It’s 5 minutes from her work, so she can visit him everyday during lunch. 

My wife has struggled a bit with being away from our boy during the day for a week. She is now saying she wants to become a stay at home mom. I’m very supportive (60% of chores, 40% of baby care), but I’m concerned that A) we can’t afford it, B) I’ll resent paying for her debt, C) I’ll never have enough money to retire, D) she’ll lose some of her identity without a job, and E) my son will not get the benefit of daily interaction with other kids at daycare.

Fluffzilla says:

Understand that you don’t have a choice here. She’s already made it. The baby has been in daycare for a week and she’s had enough. For better or worse, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. In other words, you’re screwed!

I think you fail to recognize that your life has changed. All the plans, agreements, whatevers in place prior to the baby are no longer valid. Your wife isn’t the same hormonally, your family has enlarged, and if you thought you had debt before, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Of course she should stay home. Your baby is only 8 weeks old. Kittens should not be separated from their mothers prior to 12 weeks. They can survive, but it’s not ideal. Your wife is probably in no condition to be working either. Have you ever worked with a postpartumzilla? It’s the worst. They screw up really badly and don’t realize they’re screwing up, blaming everyone else. Ask your wife if she’s able to do her job as coherently as before, and if she’s honest with you, she’ll probably say they want her out whether her maternity leave is up or not.

Time to extend the payments on the debt: what you have really isn’t that much. It may seem like a lot, but there is no comparison to farming out the care of your baby to strangers. My human mom worked in such places for many years and would not advise anyone putting their child in one. So, here are the options as I see them:

1. Offer the baby up for adoption (no way your wife will go for that, but I think you probably would?). It used to be normal for humans to drop their kids at orphanages and/or on relatives when they couldn’t afford to take care of them. Hey, people do it with their cats and dogs all the time! The difference is your infant won’t be killed if someone doesn’t adopt him in a few days. (Somehow, there’s always space for more humans but not enough for four-legged companions…stupid!)

2. Accept that your wife is staying home (she IS, stupid, it’s a done deal) and swallow your resentment. Don’t resent if you want to stay married. It was incredibly naive of you to expect her to return to work after only two months. I don’t care how long her maternity leave was. This will mean less income if you continue to earn the same amount, but you won’t be paying for daycare. Just take longer to pay off the debt (so what? what’s a few more years?). But forget this idea that you’re going to share somewhat equally in the chores and childcare. Those are her domain. Maybe do the heavy lifting or other things that she can’t do, but by and large, relax your housekeeping requirements (attention to the baby is more important) and let her nest.

Focus on making more money. It’s not like she’s giving up some highfalutin mega job; it’s a piddly lousy $50k/year teaching job. After taxes, other deductions, daycare, transportation to and from work, taking time off to take care of your baby when he’s sick, hair, clothes, and nails to look presentable at work, and other miscellany (more servicing of the car with driving to and from work and daycare every day, etc.), it’s not much of a loss.

3. Insist that your wife return to work and be prepared to be miserable. She’ll be miserable and make yours miserable too. Guaranteed. But, you’ll get your debt paid on the timetable you wanted, and maybe that’s worth it to you. Be prepared also for her to possibly take up with someone else.

4. Get a higher paying job so her being a SAHM won’t be such a hardship. Or, moonlight with an additional job or start a business on the side for more income. Look into more tax loopholes so you keep more of what you earn. I’m sure you’re not using enough loopholes; most people don’t.

5. If you aren’t already, move in with family, or get a housesitting arrangement where you won’t have to pay to live. I have a feeling you already don’t pay to live because you’re obviously a detail-0riented financial thinker who left out your monthly rent/or mortgage payments and other living expenses. If that’s the case, WTF are you bitching about? You’re better off than most people.

6. Stop seeing her debt as hers and realize it’s “ours”. I don’t care who accumulated it; it’s both your obligation because you’re married. This is why it’s a good idea to not marry. But now what’s done is done…

7. Unless you want to undo what’s done. Divorce your wife, so you can be out no more than monthly child support and maybe alimony depending on your state. You’ll then not have to worry about her debt. If she continues to run it up, that’s on her. You won’t have as much access to your child, but maybe you don’t care. It will also cost more to set up a separate household, but maybe you both have relatives you can live with. This way, you can maintain your path to retirement and debt repayment as much as possible. By the way, there is no shame in doing this. You’ll be freeing her up to meet someone who can provide with a generous heart and not belabor the “his/hers” debt. Give her a chance at a true partnership.

8. If you’re concerned about your baby missing out on social interaction at daycare, don’t be. Human children are (mostly) born one at a time for a reason. They are meant to bond with their mothers for the first few years, not other kids. Don’t enroll him in group care until (1)he’s potty-trained — bad potty training can really destroy a child psychologically so don’t put low-paid lackeys in charge of that aspect of your child’s development, and (2) he’s old enough to express himself verbally in order to let you know if anything’s wrong. Don’t assume just because a facility is licensed and the “teachers” have their credentials that they know what they’re doing. Children are almost always better off at home, unless home is an abusive or neglectful situation.

This is all new to you and it’s overwhelming. One of the huge problems my human mom saw over and over in infant caregiving is that parents, usually fathers, expect their lives to be the same. They’re not. The sooner you accept that and adjust your finances and relationship accordingly, the happier you’ll be. Once you have a baby you can’t un-have it. If that were possible, a lot of parents would un-parent once they realize the jam they’re in!

Thank catness I’m spayed and never have to have your problems!

True or False – The most awful people are the ones who need love the most?

By Lulu on 8-15-2014 in Kitty people advice

Fluffzilla says:

Both true and false.

In many cases, people are evil probably from birth. Think hitler, manson, and others who don’t deserve capitalization. However, not all bad people are inherently evil. They seem that way because they didn’t get the proper love and attention during their most vulnerable, formative years. Which for humans, is their infancy through young childhood.

Those are the people who go on to have defective personalities and hurt others very much. Sometimes they realize it, but often they don’t. In many cases they are so self-centered that others’ feelings would never occur to them. That’s because THEIR feelings didn’t matter to the people who were supposed to love them. They are giving what they got, which was nothing. Such people often need love the most when they deserve it the least.

However, as a cat who listens closely to my survival instinct, I caution you about giving love to one who won’t love you back and may even cause harm! Humans have a terrible track record of murders and serious injuries caused by “bad” people. Don’t get caught in the crossfire. Once you recognize that someone is defective, stay the hell away from them. That isn’t against them; it’s FOR you. Be a cat and you’ll be much better off. Trust me, I live like the queen that I am, and my human parents don’t tolerate defective people.

If the universe is ultimately going to end, what’s the point of doing anything?

By Lulu on 7-13-2014 in Kitty advice for stupid people

Dear Fluffzilla,

What is the point of building wonderful things, advancing technology, space travel, or even travailing to other planets or solar systems when Earth is at the end of it’s life, if ultimately, it’s all pointless, because the universe is going to reach the end of it’s life.

Fluffzilla says:

What’s the point of asking stupid questions, when you’re probably too stupid to understand the answers?

You sound like a pain in the ass to be around, so let’s get this over with as quickly as possible. You people who go around philosophizing that we’re all going to die anyway so why bother typify a major problem with your human species. I’m so glad I’m a cat! You don’t have one either, nor any other pets, right? That’s what I figured.

If you really don’t see the value in doing anything, then don’t.

If you want to see the value, visit an animal shelter. No, not a warm and fuzzy rescue (although those are wonderful), a state-run shelter. The pound. See the animals teeming with life and love to give to anyone who will love them, wagging their tails, meowing, only to meet their end within a few days; sometimes minutes of being dumped there. If you really want to be traumatized, ask to see the death room. Smell it, take it in. The dogs, cats, bunnies, etc. are killed 2x week, every week to keep their populations down. They haven’t done anything wrong, but their lives end very quickly anyway.

You, on the other hand, get to live out your natural life any way you are able. Experiencing what you want, with whom you want, free, free, free. Unless you’re incarcerated, in which case you still have appeals. Animals don’t. Their only way out is for people to save them. And people like my human parents have done that, and will continue to do that, until they draw their last breaths.

There, I’ve given you a point. To save animals. You asked a cat, what did  you expect? You think we have time to bother with such stupid crap? We’re busy surviving, and if we’ve captured the hearts of our humans who place our lives on equal footing with their own, having fun and loving!

Now go save a life and stop with the pointless philosophizing!


Fluffzilla’s Take on a Miss Manners column

By Lulu on 6-19-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

This time I’m doing something different: instead of answering a question directed to me, I’m adding my two cents to a question already asked of and answered by Miss Manners. This is because I found the answer lacking.

“DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have been married for three years. Finally, we have been able to get the engagement ring we have always wanted.

We are not wealthy by any means. We work very hard; we both have two jobs after deciding that our priority was to pay down all our debts and live below our means (which means severely limiting going out to dinner and the movies). 

At first, it did bother me, when I saw from my friends’ social media posts and pictures about how much fun they were having, but our method has allowed us to start saving toward building a house overseas.

I knew that there would be mixed emotions from people in our social circle once the ring became public news, and since then we have received the wonderful and expected congratulations. 

Unfortunately, we have also met with sarcasm and critical remarks, such as, ‘Of course you guys were able to afford a ring — you don’t have kids!’

This comment hurts me deeply, as we have secretly struggled with miscarriages in the past. It also makes me feel that I am an outsider and like my hard-earned happiness is being trampled on.

I have made mistakes in my life, financial and otherwise; but it seems that because I did not make the same choices as my friends have (such as starting a family at a very young age, job hopping every few months or consistently going out every weekend) that my happiness is somehow not substantiated. 

I am not sure how to respond without being rude when comments of this nature are directed at me, but I am tired of being beaten down for my success. 

GENTLE READER: Exactly how did your buying a ring become ‘public news’?

Miss Manners doubts that even people who are brash enough to grab the hand of a newly engaged lady to check out the expected jewelry would think to do so to someone married three years previously.

You told them, didn’t you — directly or through a social media posting or both?

And by labeling it an engagement ring, you (as you acknowledge) expected congratulations — not on becoming engaged, after marriage, but on acquiring a piece of jewelry.

Mind you, Miss Manners not only agrees that how you spend your hard-earned money is none of anyone’s business, but she even can understand that the illogic of calling it an engagement ring has sentimental charm for your and your husband. Had a friend happened to notice the ring, it would have been in a complimentary way, and you would not likely have been subjected to criticism for confiding that it is the engagement ring you never had at the time of your engagement.

But you made it, as you say, ‘public news’. And therefore you solicited reaction from the public. Not everyone is polite and sympathetic enough to go along with your notion of this as an engagement.

Your response to criticism can be to say, ‘Well, it makes us happy,’ stiffly enough to discourage further comment. Then you should resolve not to seek public approval of your private business when you are not also prepared to accept public disapproval.”


Wow, Miss Manners really dropped the ball on this one. How unusual for a lowly human (not!).

The issue here is not whether the asker availed private business to public approval, but that she considers people to be friends with whom she is clearly unhappy. Here’s an earth-shattering notion for stupid people: hang around a higher quality of people or none at all!

Easy for a cat to say, right? Humans are “social animals” and all that crap.

Yet, it really is that simple. You get what you settle for. Some people are chronically, shamelessly rude and insensitive. If that’s a problem, don’t be around those people. Or, if they have enough redeeming value, accept them for what they are and focus on their better aspects. Either way, it’s not their responsibility to substantiate your happiness. They have their own lives.

The asker sounds condescending, as if living frugally and avoiding fun entitles them to being showered with verbal rose petals. But you know what? It doesn’t. All that means is you live differently from your chosen social group. Did she choose people she considers inferior, for the purpose of looking down on them and gloating about living below her means while the others squander away their money on the families they began at a very young age? In such a case, lording it over them that an expensive diamond ring was purchased could be perceived as very cruel and insecure behavior.

Of course, there is no shame in buying luxury items either. The problem here is the wrong social group. Birds of a feather flock together. If you’re around others who share your values and/or are sensitive to your feelings, you won’t have to listen to stupid comments like those you describe. I say and/or because you may get along very well with those who think it’s a stupid waste of money to buy an engagement ring but at least have enough manners to keep those opinions to themselves.

Miss Manners, if certain people are “not polite and sympathetic enough” then the asker should drop them! Not edit what she says. Bloody hell. Friends ought to be able to talk about things they’ve bought. Are your standards for friendship really this low?

To the asker: I also happen to think avoiding the stupid social media pages is a good idea too. And be careful what you post on your own. Guaranteed it’s going to piss someone off, no matter what it is. If you have a thick enough skin to handle it, fine, but you don’t, and that’s fine too.

Ultimately, I think this will fall on deaf ears. People can be so programmed to solicit approval from others that they lose sight of the fact that some people are a bad fit or are just bad people. If they don’t “get” you, don’t support your ideals, go against everything you care about, undermine your confidence in what you want to do, drop ‘em. That’s what a cat would do, without looking back.


My bf won’t take me with him to his sister’s wedding?!

By Lulu on 5-12-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla, 

My bf of almost two years won’t let me go with him to his sister’s out-of-town wedding. His family wants me to go but he doesn’t. He won’t tell me any reasons! What should I do? Keep trying to get it out of him? Every time I mention it he shuts down. He said he wants to go without me, so it’s not that he doesn’t want to go. He’s very close to his family. Help!!

Fluffzilla says:

Ah, another great thing about being a cat: we don’t give a crap about weddings, marriage, divorce, engagements, whatever. People do, but we’re better than you. Hence, you come to me for advice. I’d rather ask me than a person, too.

Some people do not like weddings and won’t go, or they want to avoid certain weddings, and won’t go. The fact that the guy does plan to go indicates that there could be a problem with your relationship, or there might not be. (Yes, that’s vague, but you didn’t provide much information.) Presumably if he’s proud of you and wants you with him, he’ll bring you everywhere he’s able to bring a date. So he may not feel very seriously about you.

However, it might have nothing to do with you. People can get crazy  when it comes to weddings. Bringing you may mean he’ll be pressured by his relatives to propose to you and he’s not able or willing to fend them off. Even the most independent grown-up kids may feel unable to hurt, for lack of a better word even though it’s too strong of a word, their family’s feelings by not doing what they want them to do. I don’t know this guy’s age but the older a guy gets, the more his parents tend to want him to settle down and you’re probably not the one. It’s incredibly irritating to hear people pushing for a commitment when the couple isn’t sure of each other yet. How do you explain to traditional, hopeful parents that you don’t see a future with this person but that doesn’t mean you’ll pass up the free available sex? The fact that your bf’s family wants you but he doesn’t leads me to believe this situation is highly likely. A guy who is into you, plus close to his family, would be ecstatic that they want you.

It may also be that he wants to be able to get laid and can’t do that as easily if you’re accompanying him. Eligible bridesmaids, guests, staff, anyone who might notice a good looking guy and even cheat on their others in a one-off, never-have-to-see-each-other-again scenario. My human mom spoke of a bimbo she knew in college who attended a wedding and had sex with a married man who had children. She even had genital herpes. Didn’t care if she’d infected him because if he was willing to cheat on his wife, he deserved an incurable disease (and she didn’t care if the wife contracted it either). With regard to possibly destroying their marriage, the bimbo said that would be good, she’d replace the wife. She liked kids so she was ready. There are lots of immoral assholes out there and your bf may be one of them.

That said, are you sure you’re not over-reading the importance of this relationship? Is he really your bf, does he call you his gf? People can sleep together for years, even meet each others’ families, and not make the emotional leap to gf/bf. You might be surprised. Just because he’s penetrated you does not necessarily make him your bf. The tone of your question shows that you are probably very young (a mature person would just dump his ass — he doesn’t want you, so don’t want him) and haven’t figured this out yet.

Consider that you might be unbearable when you get alcohol in you and it may be flowing at this wedding. If you make an ass of yourself, it could reflect badly on him to his relatives. He has to then deal with the aftermath of that, whereas if you break up, you can put it behind you. If he’s close to them, he won’t want anyone around them that will embarrass or upstage his sister on her special day. Or maybe you are socially inept and will embarrass him that way. Perhaps you’ll commandeer his relatives with your own dramas and he won’t be able to get a word in edgewise with people he rarely gets to see. You could be of lower socio-economic status, good enough for a screw but not worthy of being in family wedding photos. Help me out here, you didn’t give much information so some of my answers won’t even be remotely applicable.

Now, if this were a guy who was not close to, perhaps even estranged from, his family, that would make it easier. You wouldn’t go because he wouldn’t go. Or he’d go, but only as a minimal obligation and wouldn’t want to inflict them on you. Some relatives are dreadful assholes and the wedding will make that worse. Stressful events tend to make people more of what they already are. Are you rich? Perhaps they’re a bunch of gold-diggers and he’s protecting you or protection himself from them scaring you off, in order to secure his future. Who knows.

If he shuts down every time you mention it, then of course, stop trying to get it out of him. Do you realize how annoying it is to be repeatedly asked “why”? If he wanted you to know, he’d tell you.

My advice is to stop dwelling on this and more immediately, stop making so much of this relationship. It’s small potatoes. There’s no shame in being alone and if you don’t want a fuck-buddy arrangement with someone who won’t take you to weddings, don’t have one.

Now aren’t you glad you asked?