Boyfriend Sold His House Without Input From Me!

By Lulu on 11-21-2014 in Kitty Real Estate Advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

I’m bewildered, how could he do this?

I’ve been with my bf for four years. The first two years were long distance, until I finished school and moved to his area. I’ve lived with him for the past two. During that time, he refused to accept any money from me for anything with regards to the house. Not even little things. Now, he’s sold it!

He decided out of the blue to return to school, and took an apartment over there, 2.5 hours away! Then he only returned to the house on weekends, while I stayed. This put him under a financial strain but he still wouldn’t take money from me for the mortgage (he said I should use my money to pay back my student loans)  Then he found some cash-out investors to buy the house! He signed without consulting me, and was even going to agree to a three-week close until I was able to convince him to do five weeks. 

How could he do this, when I’ve wanted to get married? He has said he doesn’t want to get married as he’s worried about money. But I’d reassured him that I’m low maintenance and won’t expect an expensive wedding and ring. 

Now, I have to find another place! He already has his apartment, so he’s leaving it up to me where I go. I’m not being invited to live with him, and I couldn’t anyway, as it’s too far away from my job. 

What’s wrong with him? He won’t be able to move everything in only five weeks; he has a lot of stuff! It’s a mess. Now I’m stuck in his mess while having to find another place. I hate his house, always have, and am glad he sold it — but not this way, not without me, now I have nowhere to go!

He said if I find an apartment near my work, he’ll pay half my rent and stay on weekends. He says the money from his house is for a down payment on another house. But I should be included in choosing that!

I think he’s having a mid-life crisis, going back to school on impulse and selling the house without thinking. Now, he’s at risk of losing me. To punish him, I’m not going to live with him again until he marries me. He’s an inconsiderate jerk and may have lost his mind. I’m tired of his communication issues. He’s so in his head and I can’t get him to tell me why he does the things he does. How could he risk throwing away four years?

Fluffzilla says:

Whoa there, self-centered greedy gold-digging shrew! I wouldn’t want to live with you either!

So now you know how it feels for cats who are abandoned by their people who move away, leaving us to fend for ourselves. It happens all the time, and we don’t have the option of renting out our vaginas like you. Personally, I was left in a parking lot as a kitten and left for dead. So pardon me if I don’t cry for you, Argentina.

Your dilemma is simple: you are a prostitute whose services are no longer requested. Calling him a boyfriend, and yourself a live-in girlfriend, is overstating the relationship. If that’s too harsh, how about a guest who has overstayed herself. But this never was a relationship in the way that you mean it. The human hoity toity psychobabble term for you is hostile dependent (ungrateful parasite). After being provided for, at no cost to you for years, you’re turning on the sucker who opened his home to you.

You don’t say your age but refer to a mid-life crisis for him, and recent completion of school for you. So I’m going to assume you’re in your early 20s and he’s in his late 30s to 50s. Sounds like you got yourself a temporary sugar daddy and he got a fresh young thing that is no longer fresh. Have you considered the possibility that he has another like you, lined up at his new apartment? You’ve never been there, right? That’s quite deliberate. He has the pick of the litter at a college; little tramps are snapping like barracudas at any man with change in his pockets.

You say he was impulsive in his return to school and sale of the house, but I think he’s the opposite. These moves were calculated and deliberate. He’s jumping ship — even going so far as to sell his own home — to get you out of his life. If he’s a lot older than you, he may have owned it for many, many years, and it might be precious to him. Yet, it was more important to get you out. I gather that you’re an annoying, condescending shrew who complains about his stuff and nags him to marry! For him to go 2.5 hours away is pretty drastic; you’ve probably been a thorn in his side for a while.

It’s likely, given statistical probabilities, that he’s been divorced already and therefore knows better than a much younger person how to protect himself from predatory cuntcakes. By not letting you pay for anything, no matter how minor, he is making it crystal clear that this is not a partnership. Partners in a relationship are a team; you’re the opposition. Given your current attitude, he definitely did the right thing not attaching to you.

Not only did he sell his house, he went with cash-out investors instead of listing with a traditional realtor and having it shown.  He doesn’t want to give you time to make trouble. Troublemakers are the last thing anyone needs when trying to sell a home. I bet you’d bend the agent’s ear; trying to convince him/her that the seller is mentally unfit and has to consult with you before accepting an offer and won’t be able to declutter in time for closing blah blah blah… The guy was very smart and resourceful to leave you out of that. Anyone can see you’re a disrespectful ass.

As for his alleged communication issues, I guarantee he HAS communicated what he needs you to know but you weren’t paying attention. All your pathetic why?ning shows that you have no boundaries (if he wanted you to know something, he’d tell you) and has driven him to withdraw because you don’t listen, won’t learn, and only care about you. Nowhere in your post do you even say you love him or are concerned about him. He doesn’t owe you any explanations for his life choices. If he’s middle-aged, four years to him is a much smaller percentage of his life than yours. You’re disposable.

When he said he’s worried about money with regard to marriage, your stupid reassurances mean nothing. Listen to what he is saying. Marriage laws divide up half in community property states. I don’t know where you live, but even in fault-divorce states, the laws favor the wife. Do you really expect a person to give some kid half of everything they’ve spent their whole life building, or years in court and tens of thousands in legal fees battling with you when they could just avoid the institution of marriage? As it is, he’s not even married to you, and is giving up his home — which he may love — just to kick  you to the curb. If he weren’t selling it, and simply asked you to leave, would you?

Offering to pay half the rent on your next dwelling (if he means it) is more than generous, considering you’ll only be potentially putting out on Saturdays and Sundays. He could use that money for a professional hooker instead. Still beats paying vagimony, so he’s getting out with at least some life intact. Notice you’re not being invited to put out in HIS apartment. Nor does he want another live-in situation.

Instead of complaining, how about some gratitude for being floated free rent for two years? Since you’re working and have student loans, pay them. Start your new life with new wisdom that free rides are not indefinite, you are easily replaceable, and are very lucky to have found out so nicely. Imagine if you had kids with him, and then had to find a place on your income? I bet you don’t have credit either. Build some! It’s foolish to assume you can always find another free home. Most strays that end up at the shelter do not make it out alive, no matter what they say. If you knew how many executions they were doing twice a week, you might not be as willing to donate so they call themselves no-kill. Don’t fall for it!

You’re kidding yourself if you think refusing to live with him again is any kind of punishment. It’s exactly what he wants. If you really want to marry someone you feel is inconsiderate, off his rocker, uncommunicative, and doesn’t want to marry you!, just to get your hooks in, thank goodness he swam away. If you were his age I’d say you’re a Cluster B (I’ll let you figure out what the B stands for) but considering your youth, let’s chalk it up to youthful post-grad entitlement that is abhorrent to everyone else.

Since you’re asking me, I think the guy would be much better off with a cat or several than any more hostile dependents.

 

 

 

Fluffzilla’s Take on a Miss Manners column

By Lulu on 6-19-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

This time I’m doing something different: instead of answering a question directed to me, I’m adding my two cents to a question already asked of and answered by Miss Manners. This is because I found the answer lacking.

“DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have been married for three years. Finally, we have been able to get the engagement ring we have always wanted.

We are not wealthy by any means. We work very hard; we both have two jobs after deciding that our priority was to pay down all our debts and live below our means (which means severely limiting going out to dinner and the movies). 

At first, it did bother me, when I saw from my friends’ social media posts and pictures about how much fun they were having, but our method has allowed us to start saving toward building a house overseas.

I knew that there would be mixed emotions from people in our social circle once the ring became public news, and since then we have received the wonderful and expected congratulations. 

Unfortunately, we have also met with sarcasm and critical remarks, such as, ‘Of course you guys were able to afford a ring — you don’t have kids!’

This comment hurts me deeply, as we have secretly struggled with miscarriages in the past. It also makes me feel that I am an outsider and like my hard-earned happiness is being trampled on.

I have made mistakes in my life, financial and otherwise; but it seems that because I did not make the same choices as my friends have (such as starting a family at a very young age, job hopping every few months or consistently going out every weekend) that my happiness is somehow not substantiated. 

I am not sure how to respond without being rude when comments of this nature are directed at me, but I am tired of being beaten down for my success. 

GENTLE READER: Exactly how did your buying a ring become ‘public news’?

Miss Manners doubts that even people who are brash enough to grab the hand of a newly engaged lady to check out the expected jewelry would think to do so to someone married three years previously.

You told them, didn’t you — directly or through a social media posting or both?

And by labeling it an engagement ring, you (as you acknowledge) expected congratulations — not on becoming engaged, after marriage, but on acquiring a piece of jewelry.

Mind you, Miss Manners not only agrees that how you spend your hard-earned money is none of anyone’s business, but she even can understand that the illogic of calling it an engagement ring has sentimental charm for your and your husband. Had a friend happened to notice the ring, it would have been in a complimentary way, and you would not likely have been subjected to criticism for confiding that it is the engagement ring you never had at the time of your engagement.

But you made it, as you say, ‘public news’. And therefore you solicited reaction from the public. Not everyone is polite and sympathetic enough to go along with your notion of this as an engagement.

Your response to criticism can be to say, ‘Well, it makes us happy,’ stiffly enough to discourage further comment. Then you should resolve not to seek public approval of your private business when you are not also prepared to accept public disapproval.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Wow, Miss Manners really dropped the ball on this one. How unusual for a lowly human (not!).

The issue here is not whether the asker availed private business to public approval, but that she considers people to be friends with whom she is clearly unhappy. Here’s an earth-shattering notion for stupid people: hang around a higher quality of people or none at all!

Easy for a cat to say, right? Humans are “social animals” and all that crap.

Yet, it really is that simple. You get what you settle for. Some people are chronically, shamelessly rude and insensitive. If that’s a problem, don’t be around those people. Or, if they have enough redeeming value, accept them for what they are and focus on their better aspects. Either way, it’s not their responsibility to substantiate your happiness. They have their own lives.

The asker sounds condescending, as if living frugally and avoiding fun entitles them to being showered with verbal rose petals. But you know what? It doesn’t. All that means is you live differently from your chosen social group. Did she choose people she considers inferior, for the purpose of looking down on them and gloating about living below her means while the others squander away their money on the families they began at a very young age? In such a case, lording it over them that an expensive diamond ring was purchased could be perceived as very cruel and insecure behavior.

Of course, there is no shame in buying luxury items either. The problem here is the wrong social group. Birds of a feather flock together. If you’re around others who share your values and/or are sensitive to your feelings, you won’t have to listen to stupid comments like those you describe. I say and/or because you may get along very well with those who think it’s a stupid waste of money to buy an engagement ring but at least have enough manners to keep those opinions to themselves.

Miss Manners, if certain people are “not polite and sympathetic enough” then the asker should drop them! Not edit what she says. Bloody hell. Friends ought to be able to talk about things they’ve bought. Are your standards for friendship really this low?

To the asker: I also happen to think avoiding the stupid social media pages is a good idea too. And be careful what you post on your own. Guaranteed it’s going to piss someone off, no matter what it is. If you have a thick enough skin to handle it, fine, but you don’t, and that’s fine too.

Ultimately, I think this will fall on deaf ears. People can be so programmed to solicit approval from others that they lose sight of the fact that some people are a bad fit or are just bad people. If they don’t “get” you, don’t support your ideals, go against everything you care about, undermine your confidence in what you want to do, drop ‘em. That’s what a cat would do, without looking back.

 

My bf won’t take me with him to his sister’s wedding?!

By Lulu on 5-12-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla, 

My bf of almost two years won’t let me go with him to his sister’s out-of-town wedding. His family wants me to go but he doesn’t. He won’t tell me any reasons! What should I do? Keep trying to get it out of him? Every time I mention it he shuts down. He said he wants to go without me, so it’s not that he doesn’t want to go. He’s very close to his family. Help!!

Fluffzilla says:

Ah, another great thing about being a cat: we don’t give a crap about weddings, marriage, divorce, engagements, whatever. People do, but we’re better than you. Hence, you come to me for advice. I’d rather ask me than a person, too.

Some people do not like weddings and won’t go, or they want to avoid certain weddings, and won’t go. The fact that the guy does plan to go indicates that there could be a problem with your relationship, or there might not be. (Yes, that’s vague, but you didn’t provide much information.) Presumably if he’s proud of you and wants you with him, he’ll bring you everywhere he’s able to bring a date. So he may not feel very seriously about you.

However, it might have nothing to do with you. People can get crazy  when it comes to weddings. Bringing you may mean he’ll be pressured by his relatives to propose to you and he’s not able or willing to fend them off. Even the most independent grown-up kids may feel unable to hurt, for lack of a better word even though it’s too strong of a word, their family’s feelings by not doing what they want them to do. I don’t know this guy’s age but the older a guy gets, the more his parents tend to want him to settle down and you’re probably not the one. It’s incredibly irritating to hear people pushing for a commitment when the couple isn’t sure of each other yet. How do you explain to traditional, hopeful parents that you don’t see a future with this person but that doesn’t mean you’ll pass up the free available sex? The fact that your bf’s family wants you but he doesn’t leads me to believe this situation is highly likely. A guy who is into you, plus close to his family, would be ecstatic that they want you.

It may also be that he wants to be able to get laid and can’t do that as easily if you’re accompanying him. Eligible bridesmaids, guests, staff, anyone who might notice a good looking guy and even cheat on their others in a one-off, never-have-to-see-each-other-again scenario. My human mom spoke of a bimbo she knew in college who attended a wedding and had sex with a married man who had children. She even had genital herpes. Didn’t care if she’d infected him because if he was willing to cheat on his wife, he deserved an incurable disease (and she didn’t care if the wife contracted it either). With regard to possibly destroying their marriage, the bimbo said that would be good, she’d replace the wife. She liked kids so she was ready. There are lots of immoral assholes out there and your bf may be one of them.

That said, are you sure you’re not over-reading the importance of this relationship? Is he really your bf, does he call you his gf? People can sleep together for years, even meet each others’ families, and not make the emotional leap to gf/bf. You might be surprised. Just because he’s penetrated you does not necessarily make him your bf. The tone of your question shows that you are probably very young (a mature person would just dump his ass — he doesn’t want you, so don’t want him) and haven’t figured this out yet.

Consider that you might be unbearable when you get alcohol in you and it may be flowing at this wedding. If you make an ass of yourself, it could reflect badly on him to his relatives. He has to then deal with the aftermath of that, whereas if you break up, you can put it behind you. If he’s close to them, he won’t want anyone around them that will embarrass or upstage his sister on her special day. Or maybe you are socially inept and will embarrass him that way. Perhaps you’ll commandeer his relatives with your own dramas and he won’t be able to get a word in edgewise with people he rarely gets to see. You could be of lower socio-economic status, good enough for a screw but not worthy of being in family wedding photos. Help me out here, you didn’t give much information so some of my answers won’t even be remotely applicable.

Now, if this were a guy who was not close to, perhaps even estranged from, his family, that would make it easier. You wouldn’t go because he wouldn’t go. Or he’d go, but only as a minimal obligation and wouldn’t want to inflict them on you. Some relatives are dreadful assholes and the wedding will make that worse. Stressful events tend to make people more of what they already are. Are you rich? Perhaps they’re a bunch of gold-diggers and he’s protecting you or protection himself from them scaring you off, in order to secure his future. Who knows.

If he shuts down every time you mention it, then of course, stop trying to get it out of him. Do you realize how annoying it is to be repeatedly asked “why”? If he wanted you to know, he’d tell you.

My advice is to stop dwelling on this and more immediately, stop making so much of this relationship. It’s small potatoes. There’s no shame in being alone and if you don’t want a fuck-buddy arrangement with someone who won’t take you to weddings, don’t have one.

Now aren’t you glad you asked?

 

My husband went out for a Coke and never came back?

By Lulu on 4-08-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

I don’t know what to do? My husband said he was going out for a Coke. I put my foot down and told him he needs to start participating in the relationship, or else! It had been years and I had yet to see a return on my investment. Who does he think he is? I got the divorce papers without a word from him. What should I do? How could he do this to me, to us?

Fluffzilla says:

Do you want big broad strokes, or nitpicking? How about both.

You’re asking a cat, so I’ll be blunt. What you do is move on with your life, but differently. From what very little information you’ve provided, your observation and empathy skills could use cultivating. You couldn’t possibly be unaware, for years, that your husband was unhappy if the two of you had a truly loving relationship. Sure, lots of people don’t open up much but to up and walk out is very drastic. This had to be percolating for some time. Either he was miserable and planned this for months or even years, or something happened that made him snap. In either case, walking out and serving you long distance was preferable to a disastrous confrontation.

From the tone of your query, I’d say he made a wise choice. You gave him an ultimatum; what did  you expect? An apology and roses? What was the problem? How was he not participating? When you say return on your investment, are you referring to the time you spent being his wife that went unfulfilled, or money? If you treated him as merely an investment vehicle, it’s no surprise that he left. Of course any ongoing human interaction involves investment of resources, whether energy, time, money, and emotions, but it can be all those things and more. A good relationship has the duality of serving its participants in daily life, as well as on paper.

For example, one second marriage was called “more successful” than the spouses’ first, partially because they owned a house; whereas in their first marriages, they did not. The husband was also consistently, gainfully employed, and the firsts were not. The wife was even able to buy a new car, something she’d never had before. However, it was so much more than that. They spent time together as a family, shared the same future goals, and their child was planned (the first ones were all oops!s) . You could say the second marriage was a better ROI for them than the firsts. But they didn’t go around demanding a better ROI whenever the going was tough. They loved each other first, then all the other perks were the incentives to stick around.

If by not participating, you mean that you weren’t able to change your husband, then he’s better off without you. As the saying goes, men marry women hoping they won’t ever change; women marry men hoping to change them. Next time, select a partner that is already what you want and you’ll be much happier.

Some women demand that their husbands go to couples therapy, to allegedly work on their problems, but what it often means is the wife wants to enlist an ally to make her husband change. That is bullshit and if that’s what you did (I have to guess here because you didn’t say much, but I presume you’re still in shock), good riddance to you. By the time a spouse is insisting on therapy, it’s over. The manipulation games have already taken their toll and the third party will only increase the tension until the couple can’t stand the sight of each other.

This marriage is over, but you can help prevent the future likelihood of this occurring by deciding what role you want a relationship to play in your life. For you, I suggest you make plurality your theme. What went wrong before may have been pegging your marriage as fulfilling only one function, and it can ideally serve several. Has anyone ever come to your home and expected each of your belongings to serve only one purpose, their purpose? It’s obnoxious, short-sighted, and disrespectful, right? Imagine how your husband felt serving only as a participant and ROI in what is meant to be a loving, sharing, caring setup.

So, what are you looking for?

If it’s a provider, find someone who is able and willing to provide for you. That doesn’t mean take a menial and try to groom him into an executive. He has to have his own path.

If it’s a lover, allow enough time for a sexual relationship to develop that actually means something, for sex by itself isn’t enough to sustain love.

If it’s a yes-man who will be your lump of clay, focus on a beta chump who still does everything his mommy says and doesn’t mind being strangled by your apron strings. Granted, this guy most likely won’t be able to satisfy you sexually, and doesn’t have the higher earning power of an alpha, but what’s more important?

If it’s a companion, find someone who shares your interests or at least doesn’t object to them. If you’re an artist and the jerk complains that your art supplies are clutter, and won’t allow your artwork on the walls, forget him. If you don’t agree on pets, you’re also incompatible. Again, don’t try to polish a turd! Accept people for what they are or reject them outright. If more people did that, there would be far fewer divorces.

If it’s a business partner, treat the marriage as a business merger with proper attorney consultations and appropriate paperwork. Don’t just bitch about a bad ROI. What are you bringing to the table? Money, credit, lenders, ideas, insurance, connections? What is he bringing? Verify it before you sign anything.

If it’s a co-parent, find someone who wants that lifestyle. Having pets or human kids is a lifestyle choice that people either want or they don’t.

I suggest selecting a husband that already meets your criteria rather than trying to change someone through manipulations, therapy (which can be very manipulative!), and ultimatums. And please be more observant! Make happiness a priority. If either of you is going to bed sad or mad, that’s bad!

 

 

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Isn’t This Unreasonable?

By Lulu on 3-26-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

My siblings and I received a party invitation from my brother and his wife that specifies that guests are not to discuss the hosts’ food preferences in any way (they have both gone vegan). When we found out about their change in eating, we all teased them about it, but that’s what siblings do! How can they tell us we can’t mention something? Freedom of speech! Besides, he’s my brother and we’ve kidded each other our whole lives! How can his wife not be embarrassed to have put that on the invitation?

Also, they are asking guests to bring their own food, as the only food being served is vegan! I think that’s totally unreasonable. Who throws a party and expects guests to bring their own food? I just think this is all wrong. I’ll go, and my brothers and sisters are going, but how can they tell us what not to talk about? if they have this attitude won’t they end up all alone?

Fluffzilla says:

The questions you ask make you sound like a little kid. It’s hard to believe that you’re the 40-something, 20+ years homeowner, that you present yourself as. Please realize that your naiveté is frightening, even to a cat. Be grateful you even were invited to a party because my human parents wouldn’t want someone this naive on their property. Would you consider it your prerogative to leave an exterior door open, believing that your utopian world would be safe even for cats who got loose outdoors? You’re the same person who asserts that if a certain pet food is carried by the big box stores, it is guaranteed to be safe (!) and healthy, and that swimsuits won’t fit properly if they’re purchased online (ever heard of measuring?), and now you don’t think your party hosts have the right to declare subjects off limits in THEIR OWN HOME?! Wtf?

It’s difficult for me, as a cat, to fathom how anyone could even ask this question. Territory is important and must be respected. Of course they have every right to say you can’t talk about certain things, or even require that all their guests keep their traps shut for the duration. It’s their domain, not yours. I really don’t care if he’s your brother and what you did as kids. His wife is his family, and she comes before you. It would be different if you were all kids and she was the gf who hung around and had to follow your parents’ rules, and came after you in the pecking order, but they’re adults and have their own household.

You’re lucky they bothered to invite you with a caveat. If anyone were to criticize the way my parents’ eat, in jest or not, they would not be invited back. While they’ve never put anything like that on an invitation, it’s been their experience that telling someone what not to say can backfire because immature idiots will ask “why”, revealing their ignorance and insensitivity and dig themselves a deeper hole, wasting everyone’s time. The kind of person who would harass someone about how they eat would not be able to understand why it’s bothersome, or they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. So, count yourself lucky.

Freedom of speech carries consequences. You can say whatever you want, but realize that certain things will be held against you and you’ll be scratched off the welcome list. No one is obligated to let you in based on familial relations or for any reason whatsoever, if it’s not your home. I know that you know this already, being that you have your own place.

As for bringing your own food, that’s a potluck — so what? Potlucks have the advantage of everyone having at least something they can eat, and they don’t cost the hosts as much, enabling them to throw parties they may not be able to if they had to feed everyone. I deduce from your question that you’re not vegan, nor are your other siblings, so if you didn’t bring your own food, you might find the vegan offerings not to your liking. A potluck theme offers a way to enjoy yourself and get fed without concern over what is being served.

Respecting boundaries is an integral part of maintaining relationships. If the freedom to tease and bicker as you please is more important than your brother and his wife’s  comfort in your presence, go right ahead. You must know that throwing parties entails a certain amount of hassle, and guests who don’t appreciate and respect it are just not worth it.

And spare me the BS about them ending up alone. My human parents used to have a damned near constant stream of people through their home, most of whom turned out to be users and losers. They raised their standards severely, and you know what? They still have a consistent stream of people over, but they are higher-quality, trustworthy people. If no high-quality folks are available, then they’re happier alone. Don’t you want your brother to be happy? Grow up.

 

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If an ex moves on faster than you, does that mean they didn’t love you as much as you did them?

By Lulu on 2-12-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

Ok to make long story very short, my ex and I were together for 2 years. It was a very tumultuous and unhealthly relationship. Truth is, I thought it was love but what really was going on was abuse, manipuation, and control on his part. I was a teen and didn’t have experience with men, he was older so he basically took advantage of my good naive innocent nature.

Anyways, I broke it off with him when he kept cheating on me, didn’t even bother to cover it up, (Yes, he would do it infront of my face!) and finally had the last straw when he hit me. Ok so that was 3 years ago, and he served time in jail for his crime. He was in jail for domestic battery for one whole year. Then he got out and two more years later, I find out he’s already going out with another girl and even living with her. (Something he never did with me).

Me on the other hand, haven’t moved on properly, not because I don’t want too, or “can’t get over it” like some family members like to put it, it’s simply that I developed PSTD from the trauma that occurred with him. I went to therapy and took medicine, I read domestic violence books and articles online and advice. But I’m still not emotionally ready to enter another relationship with a man. I can’t wish my ex bad luck forever. But I do find it unfair that he simply gets to walk away not emotionally damaged like I was, and is already clearly moved on while I’m still dragging my feet trying to get rid of the baggage he left me physcologically.

I just want to know does this mean he didn’t care about me at all? If he has another girl already and I don’t have a man yet? Please be honest. Thank you for your support…Well obviously he didn’t care about me, if he caused me so much great suffering, I just need some good advice so I can feel better about my situation. I just feel like he got a free pass. Even though he served time in jail, emotional abuse hurts more and takes longer to heal than sitting behind a jail cell. I hate seeing myself as a victim. It makes me feel powerless. I’m more like a survivor who survived an unfortunate event that made me stronger today. I just want someone to tell me something good in order to make me feel better that he clearly moved on and is happy and I’m still not.

Fluffzilla says:

Cats either love you or they don’t. There is no such thing as not loving you as much as you do them. I gather that you don’t have a cat, or you’d not express such terms. Humans who have not been blessed with feline bosses are sometimes unclear on the concept of true love. But, back to your situation with this asshat.

He didn’t move on from you; there was nothing there to move on from. You’re right that he walked away “not emotionally damaged”; monsters have no loving emotions like real people do. If you Google “malignant narcissists” and “sociopaths” you’ll read that these creatures have no soul, no capacity for love, and do not take responsibility for their actions. They are parasites, and parasites cannot survive without hosts. He cannot love, but he feeds off others’ love. I guarantee he does not love this woman he’s with. It is not a relationship by any healthy person’s measure. Healthy people can be happy alone.

As far as your trauma, you’re not a victim anymore. You are the healthy one here, and you don’t need “help” in the clinical sense. The fact that you suffer PTSD as a result of abuse means that you are a real, true person, with a soul. You are not a sociopath like him. What you’re suffering is a totally normal response to genuine trauma. A serial victim would welcome more creeps like him and already be involved with more of the same. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. Even if it took 20+ years for another relationship, you’re healthy. There’s no statute of limitations on being single. Utilize the PTSD as a means of protection against further interactions with scumbags (male or female).

He did not get a free pass. His life is hell. In fact, it’s not even a real life. Real people have standards, values, feelings, and love. Thank goodness he didn’t live with you! If you want to pity someone, pity the girl he’s with, for you know it’s all downhill for her. You could never have peace of mind with a creep like that. You were very young and have your whole life ahead of you.

The best “treatment”, for lack of a better word, is to research defective personalities such as narcissists and psychopaths/sociopaths and see how these monsters share so many similar characteristics. What happened had nothing to do with you other than you were there. They choose targets they can exploit, but beside that, it is not personal! The more familiar you get with these types, the easier they will be to spot, and the less likely that you’ll ever be involved with another one. Being alone is definitely preferable than having the life sucked out of you by a monster. At least then you have the privacy and sanctity of your own soul.

Some of the tell-tale signs of a monster are: very intrusive, very quickly; extremely easily bored, needing constant stimulation; shifty eyes, unable to make normal eye contact unless they’re staring you down like you’re prey; consistent disregard for your feelings, as if you’re not present and you don’t matter; the cold, dead stare when they don’t get their way or they’ve got nefarious plans for you; insistence on rushing certain aspects of a relationship (ie, sexual) beyond your comfort; reacting with anger to you simply being yourself and not wronging them; the “too familiar with you” remarks and putting words in your mouth when they don’t even know you; trying to manipulate you against your own interests and intuition, demanding to know “why” when you don’t owe any explanation (you may develop a toxic shock reaction to the word “why” and that’s natural self-preservation! it’s important to withhold information about yourself from these creeps); making extreme assumptions about what you’ll do and be for them and blaming you when those aren’t accurate, and showing disrespect to your personal property (stealing, handling roughly, setting fire, diminishing the importance of your personal belongings and cash so you’ll be afraid to speak up once they’ve stolen). Scumbags have a way of making you feel uncomfortable even when they’re being very charming. Something will feel wrong even if you don’t know how to describe it. It can really make your stomach hurt!

If it helps reduce your anger, for your own sake (not forgiveness of him, just moderating your own blood pressure) think of these monsters as machines with control panels inside. They have no human brains, blood, nor heart. They are programmed to do specific things over and over and you can’t fix them and shouldn’t try. There’s no point in being mad at a monster or wishing them ill; they were built that way.

I also suggest spending time with a dog or cat, if possible. They help put things in perspective. Their love is unconditional and will set an example for future relationships if you ever find yourself in doubt. Don’t ever put up with anything that you would not subject your pet to. Animals have a way of seeing through human acts of manipulation.

Good luck and remember, you are already healthy!

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Planning my wedding. Unsupportive family… or is it me?

By Lulu on 1-19-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

My fiancee and I just bought our first house together (lots of sudden new home owner bills that we are tackling) and are now planning our wedding for August 3rd, 2014. We are both savers, always have been. So, we are trying to minimize the cost as much as we can, so that we can be able to afford starting a family after the wedding. 

We picked August 3rd because it is our anivasary. Also, it is a sunday and the management at the venue where the reception will take place, are doing a promotion for August 3rd where every event on that day will be 40% off the whole wedding bill. That will save us about $10,000 off our bill. My fiancee and I bought our house and are paying for the whole wedding without any help from anyone. 

This is my problem… My family, expecially my mother, wants me to have the wedding in a different state (where she lives) and she wants me to pick a saturday (a different date) because she claims NO ONE does a wedding on Sunday. She claims t will be an inconvinience for guests from other states (expecially HER guests) having to take Monday off to travel back home, after the wedding on Sunday. She got the whole family behind her and they are pressurng us to change the date. My mother and the rest of the family are VERY financially irresponsible, with absolutely NO savings for a rainy day. 

If we change the date, we will loose out on this 40% discount. None of them are offering us a DIME of help for the wedding. Some are even threatening not to come if we keep the date on a sunday . 

I am beyond stressed… my special day is turning out to be a nightmare. Do I go ahead and plan my wedding for August 3rd and save our money or do what they are asking and change the date? 

I am sooooooo fustrated! 

Thank you, in advance.

Fluffzilla says:

It never ceases to amaze me how humans get themselves all tied up in knots over these silly conflicts. You know what a cat would do, right? Ignore the bitch. But it’s not so simple with humans and I know that. That’s what makes humans inferior beings. The more complicated you are, the more stupid. Do you think your cat would even for a moment give a crap about what anyone thinks of your plans? Come on.

But anyway. I have to deal with you as a human so here goes.

Wow, your mother is trying to manipulate you to go against your own wishes when it’s YOUR wedding? Ridiculous. It’s not like you’re dropping this on her last-minute. We’re talking about a date that’s seven months out. That is more than ample time for any guests who have to travel to give notice at their workplaces to take Monday off if necessary. If that’s a hardship, they don’t have to attend. Not everyone can or will attend everything. Trying to accommodate everyone will only drive you crazy.

Given that you are savers and planners, and don’t rely on your relatives for financial support, your mother ought to know better than to mess with you. That’s what she’s doing. No one has any right to pressure you to change your plans when you never agreed to have it in her state or on a Saturday.

If neither your mother nor the rest of the family have any rainy day savings, they can charge the travel expenses on credit cards and pay them over time. That’s what anyone would do who can’t afford something at the moment but it means enough to them to float the payments if they have to. Is it possible that your family just doesn’t want to go to your wedding, and this provides them an out? Being that it’s seven months away, they can figure out a way to raise the money to attend your event if they really want to. People find ways to achieve what they really want.

You could ask her to pay the difference of what you would lose by having the wedding on a different day, but then you know that she “can’t” and that could just cause more tension.

Ultimately, ask yourself if the prospect of your family not attending is more or less important to you than sticking to that day and state for your wedding. Personally, I won’t cater to anyone making threats or trying to manipulate me for their own ends. But people know better than to try that with cats. It would behoove you to start this chapter of your life by taking on more feline traits and not being pushed around. Be queen of your own jungle and don’t take any crap!

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