I’m bewildered, how could he do this?
I’ve been with my bf for four years. The first two years were long distance, until I finished school and moved to his area. I’ve lived with him for the past two. During that time, he refused to accept any money from me for anything with regards to the house. Not even little things. Now, he’s sold it!
He decided out of the blue to return to school, and took an apartment over there, 2.5 hours away! Then he only returned to the house on weekends, while I stayed. This put him under a financial strain but he still wouldn’t take money from me for the mortgage (he said I should use my money to pay back my student loans) Then he found some cash-out investors to buy the house! He signed without consulting me, and was even going to agree to a three-week close until I was able to convince him to do five weeks.
How could he do this, when I’ve wanted to get married? He has said he doesn’t want to get married as he’s worried about money. But I’d reassured him that I’m low maintenance and won’t expect an expensive wedding and ring.
Now, I have to find another place! He already has his apartment, so he’s leaving it up to me where I go. I’m not being invited to live with him, and I couldn’t anyway, as it’s too far away from my job.
What’s wrong with him? He won’t be able to move everything in only five weeks; he has a lot of stuff! It’s a mess. Now I’m stuck in his mess while having to find another place. I hate his house, always have, and am glad he sold it — but not this way, not without me, now I have nowhere to go!
He said if I find an apartment near my work, he’ll pay half my rent and stay on weekends. He says the money from his house is for a down payment on another house. But I should be included in choosing that!
I think he’s having a mid-life crisis, going back to school on impulse and selling the house without thinking. Now, he’s at risk of losing me. To punish him, I’m not going to live with him again until he marries me. He’s an inconsiderate jerk and may have lost his mind. I’m tired of his communication issues. He’s so in his head and I can’t get him to tell me why he does the things he does. How could he risk throwing away four years?
Whoa there, self-centered greedy gold-digging shrew! I wouldn’t want to live with you either!
So now you know how it feels for cats who are abandoned by their people who move away, leaving us to fend for ourselves. It happens all the time, and we don’t have the option of renting out our vaginas like you. Personally, I was left in a parking lot as a kitten and left for dead. So pardon me if I don’t cry for you, Argentina.
Your dilemma is simple: you are a prostitute whose services are no longer requested. Calling him a boyfriend, and yourself a live-in girlfriend, is overstating the relationship. If that’s too harsh, how about a guest who has overstayed herself. But this never was a relationship in the way that you mean it. The human hoity toity psychobabble term for you is hostile dependent (ungrateful parasite). After being provided for, at no cost to you for years, you’re turning on the sucker who opened his home to you.
You don’t say your age but refer to a mid-life crisis for him, and recent completion of school for you. So I’m going to assume you’re in your early 20s and he’s in his late 30s to 50s. Sounds like you got yourself a temporary sugar daddy and he got a fresh young thing that is no longer fresh. Have you considered the possibility that he has another like you, lined up at his new apartment? You’ve never been there, right? That’s quite deliberate. He has the pick of the litter at a college; little tramps are snapping like barracudas at any man with change in his pockets.
You say he was impulsive in his return to school and sale of the house, but I think he’s the opposite. These moves were calculated and deliberate. He’s jumping ship — even going so far as to sell his own home — to get you out of his life. If he’s a lot older than you, he may have owned it for many, many years, and it might be precious to him. Yet, it was more important to get you out. I gather that you’re an annoying, condescending shrew who complains about his stuff and nags him to marry! For him to go 2.5 hours away is pretty drastic; you’ve probably been a thorn in his side for a while.
It’s likely, given statistical probabilities, that he’s been divorced already and therefore knows better than a much younger person how to protect himself from predatory cuntcakes. By not letting you pay for anything, no matter how minor, he is making it crystal clear that this is not a partnership. Partners in a relationship are a team; you’re the opposition. Given your current attitude, he definitely did the right thing not attaching to you.
Not only did he sell his house, he went with cash-out investors instead of listing with a traditional realtor and having it shown. He doesn’t want to give you time to make trouble. Troublemakers are the last thing anyone needs when trying to sell a home. I bet you’d bend the agent’s ear; trying to convince him/her that the seller is mentally unfit and has to consult with you before accepting an offer and won’t be able to declutter in time for closing blah blah blah… The guy was very smart and resourceful to leave you out of that. Anyone can see you’re a disrespectful ass.
As for his alleged communication issues, I guarantee he HAS communicated what he needs you to know but you weren’t paying attention. All your pathetic why?ning shows that you have no boundaries (if he wanted you to know something, he’d tell you) and has driven him to withdraw because you don’t listen, won’t learn, and only care about you. Nowhere in your post do you even say you love him or are concerned about him. He doesn’t owe you any explanations for his life choices. If he’s middle-aged, four years to him is a much smaller percentage of his life than yours. You’re disposable.
When he said he’s worried about money with regard to marriage, your stupid reassurances mean nothing. Listen to what he is saying. Marriage laws divide up half in community property states. I don’t know where you live, but even in fault-divorce states, the laws favor the wife. Do you really expect a person to give some kid half of everything they’ve spent their whole life building, or years in court and tens of thousands in legal fees battling with you when they could just avoid the institution of marriage? As it is, he’s not even married to you, and is giving up his home — which he may love — just to kick you to the curb. If he weren’t selling it, and simply asked you to leave, would you?
Offering to pay half the rent on your next dwelling (if he means it) is more than generous, considering you’ll only be potentially putting out on Saturdays and Sundays. He could use that money for a professional hooker instead. Still beats paying vagimony, so he’s getting out with at least some life intact. Notice you’re not being invited to put out in HIS apartment. Nor does he want another live-in situation.
Instead of complaining, how about some gratitude for being floated free rent for two years? Since you’re working and have student loans, pay them. Start your new life with new wisdom that free rides are not indefinite, you are easily replaceable, and are very lucky to have found out so nicely. Imagine if you had kids with him, and then had to find a place on your income? I bet you don’t have credit either. Build some! It’s foolish to assume you can always find another free home. Most strays that end up at the shelter do not make it out alive, no matter what they say. If you knew how many executions they were doing twice a week, you might not be as willing to donate so they call themselves no-kill. Don’t fall for it!
You’re kidding yourself if you think refusing to live with him again is any kind of punishment. It’s exactly what he wants. If you really want to marry someone you feel is inconsiderate, off his rocker, uncommunicative, and doesn’t want to marry you!, just to get your hooks in, thank goodness he swam away. If you were his age I’d say you’re a Cluster B (I’ll let you figure out what the B stands for) but considering your youth, let’s chalk it up to youthful post-grad entitlement that is abhorrent to everyone else.
Since you’re asking me, I think the guy would be much better off with a cat or several than any more hostile dependents.