Is it wrong that i dont want to hear about other peoples babies?

By Lulu on 3-01-2015 in Kitty advice for stupid people, Kitty people advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

For awhile now I’ve had to deal with infertility and losing three kids. Recently my boyfriend(of 5 years) the father of all three miscarried babies, his sister in law got pregnant. I will admit that I am happy for them but.. I don’t want to be around when his father or anyone talks about the baby because it makes me think of how I lost them every time. How I never will have kids. Along with many other things…it is a very touchy subject for me that I would just not want to be around…I asked if they could not talk about the baby around me…which has become a problem..I have suddenly become “selfish and narcisisstic to them” and this is my boyfriends words. And if I don’t deal with it and get over my emotions, he’ll have to break up with me.

His father is the main one who loves to talk about this. We’ve told him. But he doesn’t see the wrong and only being “young” I am not aloud to tell him about his miscarried grandchildren because it’s unacceptable. Am I being selfish? It just all brings up bad memories for me and I wish they could see this. They are treating it as if I’m asking them to stay quiet forever. I also asked that I not take part in any celebrations for the child. But they find it rude. I just don’t want to disappoint them or have to break up with my fiance because of this…I just want to ignore all future depression for me and remembering the bad parts of my pregnancies make it worse.

Fluffzilla says:

Wow, humans and their self-inflicted misery! So glad I’m a cat!

What would you say to someone who wants to breed cats, knowing full well that 99% of those in shelters don’t make it out alive?

Yes, you’re being selfish, but so is anyone who is determined to overpopulate the world with even more humans when there are already seven billion +. The production of more kids is incredibly narcissistic but people do it anyway. When there are already millions of kittens and cats being killed in shelters and on the streets, to breed more is terribly selfish and stupid.

Beyond the irresponsibility of brainless reproduction, my human parents are fond of saying there is no one more evil than a woman driven to breed against her odds — they truly, totally, only think of themselves. Is it really a baby you want, or the attention that comes from everyone else fawning all over you and your baby? The opportunity to trap a guy into marrying you, when you realize he’s just not that into you? To endure numerous miscarriages, fertility treatments, hiring surrogates, to contribute inferior genetic material to the world that already has more than it can sustain is infinitely selfish.

But on to the rest of your dilemma. We’ve established that you’re selfish, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You have every right to your feelings and to act on them. If you don’t want to hear about the baby, have made your wishes known, then your fiancé and his family are also being terribly cruel by not respecting your wishes. So, you’re not doing anything worse than what they’re doing. The in-laws may not know about your miscarriages but your fiancé surely does; he’s being an ass. If you’re too young to be heard, then let HIM tell them what happened so they can understand, if it matters. I’d wager that it won’t matter, because they don’t care about you. They don’t consider you a part of the family and your decision to exclude yourself from any celebrations of the new baby backs them up.

This is really a no-win situation for everyone involved. I think you should do something un-selfish and remove yourself from this relationship. Your fiancé is clearly close with his family, so your attitude is hurting him. Something tells me he’s not as upset about your miscarriages as you are. Don’t interfere with his and his parents’ joy over the newly born baby — probably their first grandchild? — just because it isn’t yours. Move on and find a guy who doesn’t want nor encourage more attempts at having kids. There are plenty of men out there who do not desire children and would see your inability to have them as an asset.

It may be too late, but instead of turning your back on this innocent baby, who would be a relative of yours should this guy marry you, you could take on the position of Favorite Aunt and dote on him/her to the extent the child’s parents will allow. Whatever fun things you wanted to do with your own, do with this child, with the parents’ informed consent of course. But I don’t think that’s for you, because it’s not about liking children; it’s more likely entrapment and attention. This baby is taking attention away from you; whereas your own would presumably draw attention to you. If you truly loved children for their own sake, and not as an accessory to a very selfish girl in a adult’s body, then your life could be wonderfully enriched by sharing love with your new niece-or-nephew-in-law.

We Can’t Stand Our Friend’s GF

By Lulu on 2-16-2015 in Kitty people advice, Kitty relationship advice, Uncategorized

Dear Fluffzilla,

We rarely see our high school friend, we’re in our 40s now, and don’t care to see him much because we can’t stand the ever-worsening hateful dynamic between him and his gf. They’ve been together for years. He doesn’t like her any more than we do, but is resigned to staying in the relationship to save face with relatives to whom he bragged so much before he really got to know her. Living with her has been a disaster and he’s miserable. 

On the infrequent occasions when we meet for lunch or whatever, how do we deal with her increasingly bizarre remarks? She’s very judgmental and actually boasts of how little she thinks of our friend and how she treats him. I hesitate to say she’s just mean, because the comments are so ludicrous and completely selfish. It’s more like narcissistic derangement. Her rudeness is more of the “there must be something very wrong with her” than “she’s being a bitch”.

This is the first live-in relationship for both so there are a lot of mistakes to be made, as if they’re young adults starting out, but they’re older than us. Our friend has always been highly self-absorbed too. We’ve tried talking with the gf but it’s useless as she lives in a fantasy world in which we don’t count. She pretends to listen, but doesn’t.

I want to point out that it’s not all her, either. The relationship has gotten on the friend’s nerves to the point where he offers up his share of demeaning treatment, too. It seems like they only arrange to see us just to complain about each other to us. Ultimately, we get plenty insulted and treated as if there’s something wrong with US.

Fluffzilla says:

If you were cats, you could hiss and swipe at her until she gets it, maybe chase her out of your territory, but that advice won’t serve you in your human world. You’re only meeting for a meal, not having to share your living space with her/them. And it’s very difficult for human couples to be true friends with other human couples. A lot of interactions are stifled politeness but nothing more.

Obviously, some semblance of continuity of friendship matters to you, or you wouldn’t even bother connecting with these jackasses anymore. So, can you keep the connection — such as it is — without meeting in person?

As you say you’re in your 40s, you must be increasingly aware of spending time with people who don’t enhance your life. So, perhaps it’s time to discontinue this facade of friendship in the form of meeting up. That doesn’t mean cut your friend off completely (although it could, if you get to the point where there is no point). Now that you know this gf better, you know you’re miserable around her. Of course it took time to figure that out. People tend to be on their best behavior when first meeting.

I’d wager that this “friend” is more like her than you realize, although they themselves have difficulty getting along. While they have differences, they’re more like each other than like you. They’re both narcissistic assholes. In fact, if you did cut them off, I’m quite sure they wouldn’t even notice.

Therefore, don’t participate in any more get-togethers unless you are willing to let everything go in one ear and out the other. Nothing they say or do is personal because it can’t be: they only think of themselves. When their selfish, stupid musings are no longer amusing, or you feel invisible and/or trashed afterward, don’t see them. In the meantime, there might still be something interesting or edifying they can add to your life…you never know. You must like something about the guy for you to be friends for so long?

That said, if it gets to where you’re having trouble controlling your temper around either of them, walk away. It’s not worth making a scene and coming down to their level. That is much harder to recover from than simply not meeting up in the first place. A cat who scratches aggressively could end up at the pound and killed; a human could go to jail and/or get fined and have a permanent criminal record.

But since you’re dealing with two people with potentially very serious personality disorders, you don’t even have to lash out to get in trouble. The “trouble” could be simply that you think for yourself instead of playing a background character in their hopeless fiction at their convenience. If you think it’s an untenable situation, end it.

My boyfriend past bothers me?

By Lulu on 1-01-2015 in Uncategorized

Dear Fluffzilla,

I starting seeing this guy a 3 months ago and I have always really liked him he’s 18 and I’m 17. He’s bisexual. He has had sex with a guy before and also he licked his butt a year ago. I can’t kiss him now that he told me this because that’s nasty…What should I do? I wanna be able to get to kiss him but I everytime he kissing me that’s all that I think about now that he told me. I used to be able to kiss him? Why is it different now? what should I do?

Fluffzilla says:

Cats and dogs lick each others’ butts all the time. It’s called grooming. Wow, humans can be pretty messed up.

Would you be more comfortable if it had been a female’s butt?

But onto your problem…

I think you should figure yourself out. Are you grossed out because he’s bisexual, or are you grossed out because of the hygiene concern over his body parts having been in/near holes other than yours? Because if it’s the bi thing, you’re always going to be grossed out by him and should break up with him. If it’s hygiene, well he’s washed his mouth since then. I can understand not wanting to kiss him immediately after he’s rimmed some dude without washing first, since humans aren’t self-cleaning (yet another way in which your species is inferior to mine).

I think you’ll be repulsed by him from now on. This was a while ago, after all.

That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, they’re simply incompatible with this relationship. Being grossed out is a great teacher. It helps teach you what your boundaries are so you can enforce them in the future. How would you know otherwise? Don’t date bi if it grosses you out — period. By breaking up with him, you’ll be giving him the opportunity to be with someone who isn’t grossed out by his past.

For example, people who are grossed out by litter boxes and possibly finding kitty poop smeared on the floor (sometimes it sticks to our fur and we try to wipe it off) really shouldn’t have cats. My human parents have had to clean poop off me many times. If that grossed them out, we’d have a real problem. When you love someone, you’re not grossed out by them. I think you don’t love this guy.

So many relationships are ruined by not accepting each other as you are and expecting change. What if he’d never actually licked some guy but thought of doing it. Is that too gross? Is it ok if he’s made out with someone else? You do realize, mouths can be extremely dirty, as much as a bunghole. Figure out your parameters and stick to them, and you’ll save a lot of time and headache.

Unless you date celibate monks, guys you sleep with will likely have poked their parts in other people’s holes. If it’s a bi guy, those holes may have been male as well as female. I don’t know if you insist that your boyfriends have no previous sexual experience, but if you do, that will make things much less gross for you. It will narrow the pool of potential dates, but so what? You only need one to pass your holey test, right?

 

 

What’s the first step on getting rid of your mom ?

By Lulu on 12-20-2014 in Kitty people advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

I don’t want her in my life anymore . She’s a psychopath . I’m 24 living with my hubby . I’m happy but with mom around I get hurt 24/7.  
How did u get rid of your mom ?

Fluffzilla says:

Well, I never got rid of my feline mom, I was gotten rid of by humans. I was abandoned in the parking lot of an animal hospital and some nice humans took me in and cared for me until my human parents adopted me. However, then my human parents split up and my human dad took me with him. He didn’t accept me the way I was, and tried to change me into the kind of cat he wanted (a lap cat — I do laps, but only on my own terms, thank you).

I didn’t like being away from my mom, and started “acting up” in my former dad’s words: tearing up the carpet, making lots of noise, not being able to stay alone while he was out working or dating or partying. Finally he dropped me off at my mom’s because his new useless gf didn’t want cat hair sticking to her clothes. So, you could say I got rid of my dad. My new dad is better; I’m daddy’s girl!

People get rid of cats all the time, which is fairly easy when they don’t have a conscience: take them to the pound, leave them behind when moving away, kill them without consequences, etc. But to get rid of a human legally and safely, the best way is to go ghost. In other words, you’re dead to her. That’s the way it has to be if you are to escape her clutches.

I’m assuming from your words “with my mom around” your mother lives with you or at least knows where you live. That makes it more tricky, esp. if you are firm in your desire to stay put. If you can move, do it! Line up another place to live. She must be out of the house sometimes. During that time, find another place to live but don’t tell her you’re moving and don’t tell her where. If she asks, tell her it’s classified information and you can’t disclose it even to her. Pack your own things and move them out when she isn’t around. Leave her things be (you don’t want to be arrested for theft).

As soon as you and your hubby are safely out, let her know how long she has before she has to vacate (if she’s on the lease, then she’ll stay though. If you’re on the lease and it’s not expired, break the lease, paying if you have to). If it’s  your home that you’re selling, let your agent know that your mother is an HCP (High Conflict Personality) and must be dealt with very delicately. Don’t ever give a psycho time to make trouble. A sophisticated realtor can sell your home without doing any Open Houses, can treat it as a pocket listing and sell it to someone on their list whom they know wants a home like yours, without any big production.

Once you’re out, don’t enable any contact with your mom. Don’t give her your new address, phone number, or tell her where you work if  you have to change jobs. Block her emails, texts, and phone calls. Don’t open any paper mail from her as it may upset you. (If you are worried about missing out on family information that you might want, ask your hubby or someone else to read it for you or to you, if that helps.)

If moving is not an option for you, and she lives with you, tell her to leave. You know her better than I — would lining up another place for her do it? If she becomes aggressive, call the police. Have them on standby if you think she’ll harm you. If necessary, get a restraining order. If she pitches a temper tantrum and you fear violence, call for help and tell them she’s a borderline and is having an episode (I don’t know if she’s a borderline, but that term is taken much more seriously than the catchall term of psychopath). Always be recording, whether video or voice (if you include voice, you have to inform those you’re recording if you reside in CA. Check with your own state’s laws beforehand.) That way you’ll be able to prove when she starts playing victim and saying you’re the one who attacked her.

You must realize that if she can find you, she is still a threat. Psychos can try to run you down while you’re walking or driving, hide in the bushes, break into your home, burn it down, claim your identity as her own and ruin your life from the inside out if you’re still alive to her. So be dead to her. Go ghost. You don’t exist. Not for her. Disappear, and you’ll potentially have peace of mind.

Because she’s your mother, this may also mean being dead to the entire family — or it may not. Depending on your family dynamics, you still may be able to have contact with some of them, but you have to be able to absolutely trust them that they will not disclose your location if you believe she is a threat to you.

Now, if her psychopathy tends more towards the borderline-narcissist-histrionic spectrum rather than antisocial (sociopath), ignoring her may mean the end of any threat to you. Emotionally unstable people equate attention with intimacy, so depriving her of attention may be all that’s necessary in reclaiming your life. She’d then go away on her own, in search of more supply (psychobabble term for attention Cluster B’s feed off of until they’ve bled it dry. The parasite then needs a new host).

Still, be very careful. Cluster B’s are amoral, so she could theoretically kill you and then not even have any recollection of you. Don’t give her the chance. “Out of sight, out of mind” is literal for Cluster B’s, they tend to lack object permanence. So use that to your advantage.

For more information on the subject, I behoove you to go online and research the Cluster B disorders (Borderline, Antisocial, Histrionic, Narcissist) if you haven’t already. At the core of psychopathy are one or more of these disorders, so they are dealt with in the same way. There are differences between them, but the method of obliterating them from your life is the same: go ghost. They are parasites, so don’t feed them. They are predators, so don’t be a target.

Boyfriend Sold His House Without Input From Me!

By Lulu on 11-21-2014 in Kitty Real Estate Advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

I’m bewildered, how could he do this?

I’ve been with my bf for four years. The first two years were long distance, until I finished school and moved to his area. I’ve lived with him for the past two. During that time, he refused to accept any money from me for anything with regards to the house. Not even little things. Now, he’s sold it!

He decided out of the blue to return to school, and took an apartment over there, 2.5 hours away! Then he only returned to the house on weekends, while I stayed. This put him under a financial strain but he still wouldn’t take money from me for the mortgage (he said I should use my money to pay back my student loans)  Then he found some cash-out investors to buy the house! He signed without consulting me, and was even going to agree to a three-week close until I was able to convince him to do five weeks. 

How could he do this, when I’ve wanted to get married? He has said he doesn’t want to get married as he’s worried about money. But I’d reassured him that I’m low maintenance and won’t expect an expensive wedding and ring. 

Now, I have to find another place! He already has his apartment, so he’s leaving it up to me where I go. I’m not being invited to live with him, and I couldn’t anyway, as it’s too far away from my job. 

What’s wrong with him? He won’t be able to move everything in only five weeks; he has a lot of stuff! It’s a mess. Now I’m stuck in his mess while having to find another place. I hate his house, always have, and am glad he sold it — but not this way, not without me, now I have nowhere to go!

He said if I find an apartment near my work, he’ll pay half my rent and stay on weekends. He says the money from his house is for a down payment on another house. But I should be included in choosing that!

I think he’s having a mid-life crisis, going back to school on impulse and selling the house without thinking. Now, he’s at risk of losing me. To punish him, I’m not going to live with him again until he marries me. He’s an inconsiderate jerk and may have lost his mind. I’m tired of his communication issues. He’s so in his head and I can’t get him to tell me why he does the things he does. How could he risk throwing away four years?

Fluffzilla says:

Whoa there, self-centered greedy gold-digging shrew! I wouldn’t want to live with you either!

So now you know how it feels for cats who are abandoned by their people who move away, leaving us to fend for ourselves. It happens all the time, and we don’t have the option of renting out our vaginas like you. Personally, I was left in a parking lot as a kitten and left for dead. So pardon me if I don’t cry for you, Argentina.

Your dilemma is simple: you are a prostitute whose services are no longer requested. Calling him a boyfriend, and yourself a live-in girlfriend, is overstating the relationship. If that’s too harsh, how about a guest who has overstayed herself. But this never was a relationship in the way that you mean it. The human hoity toity psychobabble term for you is hostile dependent (ungrateful parasite). After being provided for, at no cost to you for years, you’re turning on the sucker who opened his home to you.

You don’t say your age but refer to a mid-life crisis for him, and recent completion of school for you. So I’m going to assume you’re in your early 20s and he’s in his late 30s to 50s. Sounds like you got yourself a temporary sugar daddy and he got a fresh young thing that is no longer fresh. Have you considered the possibility that he has another like you, lined up at his new apartment? You’ve never been there, right? That’s quite deliberate. He has the pick of the litter at a college; little tramps are snapping like barracudas at any man with change in his pockets.

You say he was impulsive in his return to school and sale of the house, but I think he’s the opposite. These moves were calculated and deliberate. He’s jumping ship — even going so far as to sell his own home — to get you out of his life. If he’s a lot older than you, he may have owned it for many, many years, and it might be precious to him. Yet, it was more important to get you out. I gather that you’re an annoying, condescending shrew who complains about his stuff and nags him to marry! For him to go 2.5 hours away is pretty drastic; you’ve probably been a thorn in his side for a while.

It’s likely, given statistical probabilities, that he’s been divorced already and therefore knows better than a much younger person how to protect himself from predatory cuntcakes. By not letting you pay for anything, no matter how minor, he is making it crystal clear that this is not a partnership. Partners in a relationship are a team; you’re the opposition. Given your current attitude, he definitely did the right thing not attaching to you.

Not only did he sell his house, he went with cash-out investors instead of listing with a traditional realtor and having it shown.  He doesn’t want to give you time to make trouble. Troublemakers are the last thing anyone needs when trying to sell a home. I bet you’d bend the agent’s ear; trying to convince him/her that the seller is mentally unfit and has to consult with you before accepting an offer and won’t be able to declutter in time for closing blah blah blah… The guy was very smart and resourceful to leave you out of that. Anyone can see you’re a disrespectful ass.

As for his alleged communication issues, I guarantee he HAS communicated what he needs you to know but you weren’t paying attention. All your pathetic why?ning shows that you have no boundaries (if he wanted you to know something, he’d tell you) and has driven him to withdraw because you don’t listen, won’t learn, and only care about you. Nowhere in your post do you even say you love him or are concerned about him. He doesn’t owe you any explanations for his life choices. If he’s middle-aged, four years to him is a much smaller percentage of his life than yours. You’re disposable.

When he said he’s worried about money with regard to marriage, your stupid reassurances mean nothing. Listen to what he is saying. Marriage laws divide up half in community property states. I don’t know where you live, but even in fault-divorce states, the laws favor the wife. Do you really expect a person to give some kid half of everything they’ve spent their whole life building, or years in court and tens of thousands in legal fees battling with you when they could just avoid the institution of marriage? As it is, he’s not even married to you, and is giving up his home — which he may love — just to kick  you to the curb. If he weren’t selling it, and simply asked you to leave, would you?

Offering to pay half the rent on your next dwelling (if he means it) is more than generous, considering you’ll only be potentially putting out on Saturdays and Sundays. He could use that money for a professional hooker instead. Still beats paying vagimony, so he’s getting out with at least some life intact. Notice you’re not being invited to put out in HIS apartment. Nor does he want another live-in situation. No, you should not be included in the selection of his next house, stalker!

Instead of complaining, how about some gratitude for being floated free rent for two years? Since you’re working and have student loans, pay them. Start your new life with new wisdom that free rides are not indefinite, you are easily replaceable, and are very lucky to have found out so nicely. Imagine if you had kids with him, and then had to find a place on your income? I bet you don’t have credit either. Build some! It’s foolish to assume you can always find another free home. Most strays that end up at the shelter do not make it out alive, no matter what they say. If you knew how many executions they were doing twice a week, you might not be as willing to donate so they call themselves no-kill. Don’t fall for it!

You’re kidding yourself if you think refusing to live with him again is any kind of punishment. It’s exactly what he wants. If you really want to marry someone you feel is inconsiderate, off his rocker, uncommunicative, and doesn’t want to marry you!, just to get your hooks in, thank goodness he swam away. If you were his age I’d say you’re a Cluster B (I’ll let you figure out what the B stands for) but considering your youth, let’s chalk it up to youthful post-grad entitlement that is abhorrent to everyone else.

Since you’re asking me, I think the guy would be much better off with a cat or several than a hostile dependent.

 

 

 

My boyfriend complains that he “just wants his mother’s home cooking” when I cook at home all of the time. I’m upset and feel disrespected?

By Lulu on 10-02-2014 in Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla, 

What should I do? I want him to eat what I cook and like it, not for him to compare it with his mother’s!

Fluffzilla says:

Isn’t that just like a stupid human…you’re fortunate enough to have a sentimental boyfriend who cares enough about you to express his preferences out loud, and you bemoan him his own feelings??! Here’s my feeling: you’re STUPID! Do you realize how many girlfriends and wives would love for their partners to say how they feel, instead of leaving them to guess and try to figure them out?

My human mom loves her mom’s lasagna and prefers it above anyone else’s, and has no shame about saying it out loud. If it hurts someone’s feelings, too bad. Intelligent people understand that some people favor their mom’s whatever over anyone else’s.

So you’re annoyed that his mom’s a better cook than you. That’s your problem, not his. I’m a cat, and as such, if I don’t like the food that’s offered, I’ll walk away. My humans don’t complain; they just serve me what I like. There’s nothing on Earth that would make me eat something I didn’t like, let alone some human’s petty whining. Just think of your boyfriend as a cat, and he’ll find something he’d rather eat while you lick your little wounds.

I don’t know how deep into this relationship you are, but by the sound of it I’d say you’re probably not compatible. Food can be a highly emotionally charged aspect of living together, and if it’s vital to you that your mate prefer your cooking, and he doesn’t, maybe it’s best to split up now. Once you decide if he, as a person, really means something to you or it’s just the challenge to get your substandard vittles down his throat that keeps you there, you’ll figure out what to do.

An ex of my human dad used to go around saying how much it upset her to not be able to cook for him. Thank goodness they broke up. He deserved better than to have to listen to that for the rest of her life, and he got it: he and my mom eat whatever they want, when they want.

Should I become the sole breadwinner so my wife can be a stay at home mom?

By Lulu on 9-14-2014 in Job Advice, Kitty people advice, Kitty relationship advice

Dear Fluffzilla,

My wife and I are in our early 30′s and we’ve just had a son (8 weeks old today). She’s a teacher—head of her department—and I’m a web developer—early in my career. She’s making $50k/year and I’m making $75k/year. We’ve both got debt, but I’m working to dig out. I’ve got $48k to go (50% student loans, 25% car loan, 25% consolidated credit card debt), and expect to be down to $20k of mostly student loan debt within 4 years. She’s got about $70k to go (55% student loans, 30% credit card debt, 15% car loan), and I expect she’ll have her car paid off in a couple more years. However, I don’t think she’s making any progress on her credit card debt. She’s got a retirement fund (union), and I’m going to start saving like crazy once I pay off high interest debt. 

We agreed before our son was born that she would go back to work after her maternity leave ended (last week). We enrolled our son in a terrific daycare for about $1.3k per month starting in January. It’s 5 minutes from her work, so she can visit him everyday during lunch. 

My wife has struggled a bit with being away from our boy during the day for a week. She is now saying she wants to become a stay at home mom. I’m very supportive (60% of chores, 40% of baby care), but I’m concerned that A) we can’t afford it, B) I’ll resent paying for her debt, C) I’ll never have enough money to retire, D) she’ll lose some of her identity without a job, and E) my son will not get the benefit of daily interaction with other kids at daycare.

Fluffzilla says:

Understand that you don’t have a choice here. She’s already made it. The baby has been in daycare for a week and she’s had enough. For better or worse, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. In other words, you’re screwed!

I think you fail to recognize that your life has changed. All the plans, agreements, whatevers in place prior to the baby are no longer valid. Your wife isn’t the same hormonally, your family has enlarged, and if you thought you had debt before, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Of course she should stay home. Your baby is only 8 weeks old. Kittens should not be separated from their mothers prior to 12 weeks. They can survive, but it’s not ideal. Your wife is probably in no condition to be working either. Have you ever worked with a postpartumzilla? It’s the worst. They screw up really badly and don’t realize they’re screwing up, blaming everyone else. Ask your wife if she’s able to do her job as coherently as before, and if she’s honest with you, she’ll probably say they want her out whether her maternity leave is up or not.

Time to extend the payments on the debt: what you have really isn’t that much. It may seem like a lot, but there is no comparison to farming out the care of your baby to strangers. My human mom worked in such places for many years and would not advise anyone putting their child in one. So, here are the options as I see them:

1. Offer the baby up for adoption (no way your wife will go for that, but I think you probably would?). It used to be normal for humans to drop their kids at orphanages and/or on relatives when they couldn’t afford to take care of them. Hey, people do it with their cats and dogs all the time! The difference is your infant won’t be killed if someone doesn’t adopt him in a few days. (Somehow, there’s always space for more humans but not enough for four-legged companions…stupid!)

2. Accept that your wife is staying home (she IS, stupid, it’s a done deal) and swallow your resentment. Don’t resent if you want to stay married. It was incredibly naive of you to expect her to return to work after only two months. I don’t care how long her maternity leave was. This will mean less income if you continue to earn the same amount, but you won’t be paying for daycare. Just take longer to pay off the debt (so what? what’s a few more years?). But forget this idea that you’re going to share somewhat equally in the chores and childcare. Those are her domain. Maybe do the heavy lifting or other things that she can’t do, but by and large, relax your housekeeping requirements (attention to the baby is more important) and let her nest.

Focus on making more money. It’s not like she’s giving up some highfalutin mega job; it’s a piddly lousy $50k/year teaching job. After taxes, other deductions, daycare, transportation to and from work, taking time off to take care of your baby when he’s sick, hair, clothes, and nails to look presentable at work, and other miscellany (more servicing of the car with driving to and from work and daycare every day, etc.), it’s not much of a loss.

3. Insist that your wife return to work and be prepared to be miserable. She’ll be miserable and make yours miserable too. Guaranteed. But, you’ll get your debt paid on the timetable you wanted, and maybe that’s worth it to you. Be prepared also for her to possibly take up with someone else.

4. Get a higher paying job so her being a SAHM won’t be such a hardship. Or, moonlight with an additional job or start a business on the side for more income. Look into more tax loopholes so you keep more of what you earn. I’m sure you’re not using enough loopholes; most people don’t.

5. If you aren’t already, move in with family, or get a housesitting arrangement where you won’t have to pay to live. I have a feeling you already don’t pay to live because you’re obviously a detail-0riented financial thinker who left out your monthly rent/or mortgage payments and other living expenses. If that’s the case, WTF are you bitching about? You’re better off than most people.

6. Stop seeing her debt as hers and realize it’s “ours”. I don’t care who accumulated it; it’s both your obligation because you’re married. This is why it’s a good idea to not marry. But now what’s done is done…

7. Unless you want to undo what’s done. Divorce your wife, so you can be out no more than monthly child support and maybe alimony depending on your state. You’ll then not have to worry about her debt. If she continues to run it up, that’s on her. You won’t have as much access to your child, but maybe you don’t care. It will also cost more to set up a separate household, but maybe you both have relatives you can live with. This way, you can maintain your path to retirement and debt repayment as much as possible. By the way, there is no shame in doing this. You’ll be freeing her up to meet someone who can provide with a generous heart and not belabor the “his/hers” debt. Give her a chance at a true partnership.

8. If you’re concerned about your baby missing out on social interaction at daycare, don’t be. Human children are (mostly) born one at a time for a reason. They are meant to bond with their mothers for the first few years, not other kids. Don’t enroll him in group care until (1)he’s potty-trained — bad potty training can really destroy a child psychologically so don’t put low-paid lackeys in charge of that aspect of your child’s development, and (2) he’s old enough to express himself verbally in order to let you know if anything’s wrong. Don’t assume just because a facility is licensed and the “teachers” have their credentials that they know what they’re doing. Children are almost always better off at home, unless home is an abusive or neglectful situation.

This is all new to you and it’s overwhelming. One of the huge problems my human mom saw over and over in infant caregiving is that parents, usually fathers, expect their lives to be the same. They’re not. The sooner you accept that and adjust your finances and relationship accordingly, the happier you’ll be. Once you have a baby you can’t un-have it. If that were possible, a lot of parents would un-parent once they realize the jam they’re in!

Thank catness I’m spayed and never have to have your problems!