For awhile now I’ve had to deal with infertility and losing three kids. Recently my boyfriend(of 5 years) the father of all three miscarried babies, his sister in law got pregnant. I will admit that I am happy for them but.. I don’t want to be around when his father or anyone talks about the baby because it makes me think of how I lost them every time. How I never will have kids. Along with many other things…it is a very touchy subject for me that I would just not want to be around…I asked if they could not talk about the baby around me…which has become a problem..I have suddenly become “selfish and narcisisstic to them” and this is my boyfriends words. And if I don’t deal with it and get over my emotions, he’ll have to break up with me.
His father is the main one who loves to talk about this. We’ve told him. But he doesn’t see the wrong and only being “young” I am not aloud to tell him about his miscarried grandchildren because it’s unacceptable. Am I being selfish? It just all brings up bad memories for me and I wish they could see this. They are treating it as if I’m asking them to stay quiet forever. I also asked that I not take part in any celebrations for the child. But they find it rude. I just don’t want to disappoint them or have to break up with my fiance because of this…I just want to ignore all future depression for me and remembering the bad parts of my pregnancies make it worse.
Wow, humans and their self-inflicted misery! So glad I’m a cat!
What would you say to someone who wants to breed cats, knowing full well that 99% of those in shelters don’t make it out alive?
Yes, you’re being selfish, but so is anyone who is determined to overpopulate the world with even more humans when there are already seven billion +. The production of more kids is incredibly narcissistic but people do it anyway. When there are already millions of kittens and cats being killed in shelters and on the streets, to breed more is terribly selfish and stupid.
Beyond the irresponsibility of brainless reproduction, my human parents are fond of saying there is no one more evil than a woman driven to breed against her odds — they truly, totally, only think of themselves. Is it really a baby you want, or the attention that comes from everyone else fawning all over you and your baby? The opportunity to trap a guy into marrying you, when you realize he’s just not that into you? To endure numerous miscarriages, fertility treatments, hiring surrogates, to contribute inferior genetic material to the world that already has more than it can sustain is infinitely selfish.
But on to the rest of your dilemma. We’ve established that you’re selfish, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You have every right to your feelings and to act on them. If you don’t want to hear about the baby, have made your wishes known, then your fiancé and his family are also being terribly cruel by not respecting your wishes. So, you’re not doing anything worse than what they’re doing. The in-laws may not know about your miscarriages but your fiancé surely does; he’s being an ass. If you’re too young to be heard, then let HIM tell them what happened so they can understand, if it matters. I’d wager that it won’t matter, because they don’t care about you. They don’t consider you a part of the family and your decision to exclude yourself from any celebrations of the new baby backs them up.
This is really a no-win situation for everyone involved. I think you should do something un-selfish and remove yourself from this relationship. Your fiancé is clearly close with his family, so your attitude is hurting him. Something tells me he’s not as upset about your miscarriages as you are. Don’t interfere with his and his parents’ joy over the newly born baby — probably their first grandchild? — just because it isn’t yours. Move on and find a guy who doesn’t want nor encourage more attempts at having kids. There are plenty of men out there who do not desire children and would see your inability to have them as an asset.
It may be too late, but instead of turning your back on this innocent baby, who would be a relative of yours should this guy marry you, you could take on the position of Favorite Aunt and dote on him/her to the extent the child’s parents will allow. Whatever fun things you wanted to do with your own, do with this child, with the parents’ informed consent of course. But I don’t think that’s for you, because it’s not about liking children; it’s more likely entrapment and attention. This baby is taking attention away from you; whereas your own would presumably draw attention to you. If you truly loved children for their own sake, and not as an accessory to a very selfish girl in a adult’s body, then your life could be wonderfully enriched by sharing love with your new niece-or-nephew-in-law.